Tales of the Parodyverse

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Nitz the Bloody
Fri Dec 24, 2004 at 08:03:43 pm EST
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The Commission #5: Unfortunately Not Holiday Related
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The Commission starring Nitz the Bloody Part 5
By Neil Kapit

The Commission start to step towards the Citadel’s dark-clad intruder. They are all extremely tense and alert, readying their various weapons for a fight. “ Who are you, “ the Umbra shouts, “ and how did you get here? “

“ Let’s just say some people in high places are paying me a lot of money to deal with you, “ he states. “ A job, I might add, that I would have done for free. “

” Then we’ll send you back to your employers in a nice little box, “ the Bateleur yells, extending his arm to fire a force beam at the intruder. Before he can fire, the intruder disappears, and after several quick cutting noises, Lance Flutterby finds himself naked, his armor fallen to the ground. The intruder jumps up in he air and roundhouse kicks Lance in the side of his head, sending him to join the tatters of his suit on the floor.

A shadow creeps under the intruder’s feet, and it envelops his leg until his eyes glow, and a red beam hits his foot. The shadow dissipates, then the intruder fires again, and the shadow backs away. The Enlisted fires several green fusion bolts at the intruder, but he flips away to the side, dodging every one of them. A pair of bolas fly from the intruder’s arm, and the shirtless commando is soon wrapped in steel wire.

“ Enough out of you, “ Nitz the Bloody growls. “ Afflicteku! “

One word, and the intruder is down on the ground, screaming in pain and clutching his sides. Nitz runs up to him, and is about to say “ Terminateku “ when he gets kicked in the gut. The next thing Nitz knows, a cloud of smoke forms, and he can’t see anything. By the time Nitz escapes the cloud, the intruder is gone.

“ Did I get him, “ Nitz asks weakly, holding his stomach.

The Umbra shakes her head, “ No, we got taken apart by a bunch of amateurs. For all we know, that bastard is crawling across the ceiling, waiting to strike again. “

“ So what do we do now, “ Molly wonders as she kneels next to Stanng’s unconscious body, holding her hand to his bald forehead and feeling a disturbing amount of heat. “ Johnny’s not in good shape. “

” I’ll get Johnny to the medlab, “ the Umbra states. “ Hopefully we can get the poison out in time. In the meantime, we have work to do. Lance, get your spare armor out of your quarters. Molly, go to the Nursery and guard the Child with your life. Nitz, you and the Enlisted hunt down that....whatever it is. “

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The Garden, the two-hundred and fourth room in the Citadel; acres after acres of exotic flora and fauna, acquired over several dimensions. Nitz the Bloody and the Enlisted walk through the ferns and across one of the dirt trails, completely aware and alert. The Enlisted extends his rifle, holding it with both hands.

“ Well, we’ve been searching for an hour, and I don’t see any god-damned ninja intruder. “

” Sir! Our orders were to find the intruder and subdue him, sir! “

” You don’t have to preface everything you say with ‘ sir ‘ , you know. “

“ Sir! I have been trained by Officer Jonathan Armstrong Stanng to be the perfect soldier, Sir! It is not my place to use individual judgment, Sir! “

” Stanng trained you? Is there anything that the little guy can’t do? “

” Sir! It has come to my knowledge that Officer Stanng is unskilled at quilting, si-- “

” Shut up. Do you hear something? “ There is a shuffling sound in a bush to their right.

The Enlisted screams, “ Run for cover! “ and shoots several fusion bolts from his repeating rifle. He completely eradicates a bush, leaving nothing some charred twigs and a squeaking rat, scurrying away from the charred ruins.

“ Smooth move, exlax. “ Nitz snarks.

” Sir! One can never be too careful in this occupation, sir! “

“ Right, whatever. “

“ Molly to all units, Molly to all units! “ a deep, stammering female voice shouts over the communication links. “ Big problem in the Nursery! “

“ Going after the Platinum Child? “ Nitz asks as he opens up a portal with his cudgel. “A harmless baby? What kind of scum are we dealing with, anyway? “

“ Sir! It is not my place to think about my enemies, only to terminate them with extreme prejudice, sir! “

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Nitz and the Enlisted arrive to the Nursery to see Molly’s massive form, huddled in a corner with her hands covering her mouth. She is looking down at the intruder, who has the Platinum Child in his hands, with a sword tracing across her throat. The Child is still asleep.

“ Oh God, “ Molly squeals, “ please don’t hurt her! “

” My superiors wanted me to take her to them, as an opportunity for them to shape their futures into ones of prosperity. I just want to kill the little bitch. I won’t tell if you don’t. “

” What in God’s name do you want, “ Nitz demands.

” I want you to suffer as I have. I had a little sister just like this baby. You KILLED her. And the rest of my family. “

” What are you talking about. “ The intruder removes his mask to reveal a young Ykraan face, no more than seventeen years of age, with eyes that burn both figuratively and literally.

” When you invaded the Ykraan labor camps, the guy in the leather pants shot wildly. One of those shots hit my family’s dormitory, leveling the house and everyone in it. I was outside at the time, taking a leak. I wish I wasn’t.“

” Sir, “ the Enlisted shouts, “ Collateral damage is to be expected in war, sir! “

” F--- you and your collateral damage, “ the young man screams. “ My parents, my brothers and sisters....they’re all dead. I have nothing left except my hate for you. “

Nitz steps forward, putting his cudgel away while walking. “ We’re sorry, okay? We were trying to liberate your people from an evil dictatorship... “

” You think I LIKED the President? “ the young man screeches, pointing his sword closer to the Child. “ I hated his reign just as much as you! But I wouldn’t have needed to destroy the whole f---ing country just to get one man, now would I? My father always told me that when someone attacks your family, you attack back. When my superiors found me, they gave me a few nanotech implants which ensured that I could do that to you. “

” Please, “ Molly cries, tears streaming down her eyes. “ Do whatever you like to us. But please leave her alone. She’s done nothing to you....! “

“ She’s associated with YOU. That’s enough. I think I’ll just kill her right here.... “ Suddenly, the Child’s eyes open. They light up, appearing as two electric blue orbs.

“ What the hell is this, “ the young man demands. “ I’d better stop you before... “. He is interrupted when his head starts hurting greatly.

“ Apparently the Platinum Child healed my poison as a subconscious response to a threat on her life, “ Stanng’s voice echoes. “ I’ll have to investigate that later.....first I deal with YOU. “

” Get out of my head! “ the Ykraan screams, holding his head. He puts both hands on his temples, dropping the Platinum Child. The Child flips three-hundred and sixty degrees then lands on her feet, completely uninjured.

“ I’m sorry, you must have me confused with someone who takes KINDLY to being poisoned. Now that your headgear’s off, you’re vulnerable to my telepathy. I wonder what I can do to you.... “ The young man cringes, holding his head. He falls to the floor crying in pain, bleeding from his nose.

“ Kill me....” the Ykraan whimpers, “ I can’t do anything against you.....so just kill me already... “

” Okey-dokey, “ Stanng’s voice says. The young Ykraan man just slumps ove, bleeding out from his head.

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James Slone Jr. of Slone Chemical has no plans for tonight, excluding living another few decades. But that possibility seems unlikely. Already his motor functions have terminated, leaving him incapable of movement. He is paralyzed from the neck down, floating in mid-air via Stanng’s telekinesis, the only motion left to him being the look of horror on his face.

“ So let me get this straight, “ Stanng tells him as he paces around the office. “ Your company was purchasing Ykraan-created superhumans to serve that little G7 conspiracy you’re leading. When we destroyed those labs, you got all pissy about it and decided to send an experimental operative against us. And look at how that turned out. “

” Do you get off on this, “ Nitz mumbles. Stanng doesn’t hear him.

“ I think I’m going to use you as a scarecrow, “ Stanng grins. “ If any other corporate f---ers mess with us, we mess right back. Capice? “

The CEO is yanked backwards via Stanng’s telekinesis, through a plate glass window. He floats briefly, then looks down, and Stanng lets go, trying to capture Warner Bros. physics. The result of the multi-story fall, however, is a bit more severe than stars swirling around Slone’s head.

” Capice, “ Stanng smiles. Nitz winces.

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“ I can’t believe you, Stanng! Without any evidence aside from what you tapped from the intruder’s brain, you murdered a man? That’s horrible! How’s that going to help my career? “

Lance Flutterby, in his spare suit of Bateleur armor, holds his hands at his hips as he chastises Stanng. Stanng sits in the Conference Room, watching news feeds from around the world, turning his back to Bateleur. Nitz sits down at another chair, his hands against his temples.

“ Oh, relax. The evidence is turning up already. The investigators have found ties to a vast conspiracy of all the world’s corporate movers and shakers at the crime scene. You know they were controlling the world all along? Using their illegal superhumans to enforce the status quo, and executing anyone who steps out of line? Well, they won’t be bothering us anymore. “

” This is serious, Stanng. People are boycotting my movies. Who’s going to see a film with a superhuman terrorist in it? “

” Look, you’re more famous now than you ever were before, Lance. People may like you, they may loathe you, they may get off on the thought of you. What matters is that they notice you. “

” I didn’t join this group to be a hero, “ Lance shouts, “ I joined for money, women, and power! “

” And you’ll get all of that, I assure you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some business to attend to.... “

” What about my concerns, Stanng, “ Nitz demands. “ We killed that ninja terrorist guy’s family weeks ago, and possibly others as well. We took innocent lives. How are we going to live with ourselves? “

” I don’t know about you, but I’ll live with it fine, “ Stanng states dryly. “ It’s sad and all, but we had to do what we do, and they just got in the way. To quote an old cliché, sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet. “

Yeah, Nitz thinks, but how does the chicken feel about the destruction of her eggs?

NEXT: The truth about the Commission.


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